Choosing Joy

Throughout this breast cancer roller coaster ride, I have tried to prepare myself to hear all sorts of news; weekly blood cell counts, test results, doctor recommendations, etc. It is tempting to prepare yourself for the worst so you aren’t caught off guard, but this can also be a slippery slope. Focusing on the bad news, setbacks or loss can bring its share of melancholy, fear, anxiety and depression. Once you steer down this rabbit hole, it can be difficult to climb out. My body has been physically wiped out by the chemotherapy and my mind has raced through every scenario and cloudy maze of possibilities – both good and bad. But as hard as I have tried, I cannot see what the future holds. I can only trust in the choices we have made, trust in modern medicine, trust in God’s ultimate love for His children and hope for the best. In The Mockingjay, a book in the Hunger Games series, a character advises the heroine that it is best not to give into the madness because it takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to let yourself fall apart. I have found this to be true. I am usually a positive person by nature, a make-lemonade-out-of-lemons kind of person, but no one can stay positive 100% of the time. There are many negative people in the world, Debbie Downers who thrive on looking for the worst in others, the downside of all situations, or the tragedies of life. The internet is full of trolls and haters who continually look for opportunities to put others down, stir the negativity pot and dish out their ugliness. I wonder if spreading their pessimistic attitudes are an attempt to make themselves feel better somehow or if it secures their notion that all in the world is as ugly as they choose to see it. I have found that it takes just as much energy, if not more so, to remain in this constant negative emotional state. Being a grumpy cat can be exhausting. How we choose to see the world is an individual choice and everyday we wake up with the opportunity to choose for ourselves. We each have this free agency. No one can tell us which road to take because it is our decision and ours alone. I have found that trying to prepare or brace myself for bad news only robs me of experiencing small pleasures and receiving my daily allotment of joy. Did you know that each day has a joy allotment? It can be easy to miss if we are focused on the negative – but it is there. It might sound corny, but I can see it in the way the tree branches sway in the wind, I can hear it in the laughter of my children and sense it in the wag of my dog’s tail. Scripture reminds us that we are creatures who were meant to feel joy in our creation. It is not ignorance or tunnel vision, it is a choice in how we see the world around us. I must take responsibility for my choices – they were and continue to be mine alone – I own them.

As difficult as chemo was, it did its job. It killed the cancer cells and my tumor shrank to almost nothing. We were given the opportunity to choose the least invasive surgical option available. Tomorrow I will undergo surgery, a lumpectomy of the tissue area surrounding the tumor, the removal of my port and several lymph nodes. So in other words, it looks like I get to keep ‘the girls’. I could choose a mastectomy, single or double, but this is ultimately not what I wanted. I know several friends tried to look for the positive in all of this by pointing out I could have a boob job, but to be honest, I have never had the desire for a boob job. My breasts might be saggy and covered in stretch marks, but they are mine and I am thrilled to keep them in whatever capacity possible. We should have the pathology results from the surgery in about a week, but we feel it’s more of a precaution. I will start radiation treatments in September. In the meanwhile, I will recover from the surgery and look forward to starting my graduate teaching assistantship at BSU on August 15th. We are going camping for a few days and plan to enjoy the rest of the summer.

I sat with my feet in the neighborhood pool the other night and watched my kids swim, splash and joke with each other. We each felt joy in our creation – joy in our existence, in being together, in being alive. This is what God wants for us, this joy… its our job to find it.